INTERVIEWER: So do you feel at all corny giving yourself a self-interview?
ME: Sort of, but only in the sense that others may see it as being ridiculously self-important. But nevermind that. I've seen Kurt Vonnegut and maybe Jack Kerouac and others do it, so I decided to do one, since I have questions to ask and answer, and I feel some statements need to be made, as well as a few things explained. This is a good thing for a lot of people to do, I believe.
I: What provoked you to do this interview?
ME: Mainly the latest Aaron Siemers interview in SharkBait magazine. To those of you who don't know, SharkBait magazine is a relatively new skateboard and variety magazine from a small, independent press. It has a tiny but very loyal following that's building. It's created by Brad Hayes, and coincidentally, his picture is shown on this website, under the name "Salvador Sharkitcher." Brad even played with us live on the radio somewhat recently. He's an old friend of mine, and he likes to poke fun at people any chance he can get. So if you see him around, he has a camera, so watch out for him, because he's ravenous, though I say that mostly in jest.
I: How did the interview in SharkBait provoke you to do this?
ME: Well, first, I'll say that is what has initially led me to do this, but the purpose of this interview is not concerning SharkBait.
There's a few jabs in there. I don't have a copy of it, and I won't stay on this for long, but some of the ones I can remember are along the lines of "is he still talking about that fucking movie 24/7?" and when Aaron says "there's many other schemes... a movie could be fun," SharkBait says, "if it was done by someone else..." and 'Bait goes on to refer to "'faggy' schemes" and "take me off the Gardes' website" and "he can pretend Ricky's in it for five more years..."
Hayes says he likes the Gardes better when he's not in it. That's fair enough. SharkBait obviously likes the Gardes somewhat because it's distributing a small amount of Regardeless Dos, with its own SharkBait-stylized cover.
I actually read that interview right in front of Brad, and he seemed like he was trying to keep from blowing up with some sort of laughter. Okay, you got me good is all I can say. Brad said, "OK, it's actually all kind of bad."
So it's not that big of a deal, except that it does have me talking now.
Q: Why do you think SharkBait was making these 'jabs' at you?
A: I can only guess. But my main hunch is that Brad must feel like a fool having played with the Gardes, if only because he's not playing with them anymore, and who can blame him? I don't. I know I and everyone else has felt like a fool playing with the Gardes on occasions before.
Q: So why would everyone feel like fools playing with the Gardes?
A: Well, in the SB interview, Aaron says, " The Gardes aren't really a band, but more of a lifestyle." He also tells Brad rather defiantly, "You can't get out of the Gardes." And then he makes a reference to the Mafia or something.
To me, the Gardes have always been about songs and friends and other adventures, but the Gardes, in my opinion, has always been first and foremost a name for a group and their songbook, namely a band.
A metaphor comes to mind, all of the sudden, comparing the Gardes camp to a bunch of people tossing a live grenade back and forth to each other. The grenade is the Gardes' legacy and the people tossing it back and forth are the players, and everytime it's about to blow up, it gets tossed to me.
Meaning, in a way, that I get most of the blame when the ship goes down.
Q: How does that give you most of the blame? Explain that.
A: Everybody enjoys their own, unique part, but whenever it seems as if it's going to go to shit, I get the grenade, so to speak, as if I'm somehow supposed to be holding some sort of magic key.
A metaphor is supposed to help explain a point, but maybe in this case, it only confuses things.
Let me say it another way. Whenever someone gets excited about something, and then it doesn't work, they get irritated, often at me, because I'm credited with creating so much of it.
Q: Aside from these metaphors and vague references, what are you trying to say?
A: SharkBait's cool with me. I'm longing for the day when I'll no longer be harassed, though, whether it be by friends, strangers or the government.
For the record, the Gardes is not what I intended it to be, for sure.
Though, a lot of what I intended to do has happened.
Q: What did you not intend on and what did you intend to do?
A: I tried to get Ricky, Lance, Aaron and I together as a four piece. I thought that would have been really good, and I did get us together, long enough to be in a studio and record O My Garde! real fast.
I got to the point where I was completely sick of being in a band.
This self-interview I am finding very confusing, to be honest.
Q: Why are you finding it confusing?
A: Because how am I supposed to explain everything or answer everything?
Q: Okay. Now you're answering questions with questions. Do you think you have to be a bit disturbed, frustrated or puzzled in the first place to even attempt a self-interview?
A: Probably. Okay. To answer the question: what did I intend to do? I intended on making records and writing a book and performing and traveling and other things, but not in this way.
Q: What way are you referring to?
A: In this pathetic way.
Q: Why is it so pathetic?
A: I guess it feels pathetic every once in a while, but I think that's when I'm seeing through the eyes of people who are jealous.
Q: How do jealous people make you feel pathetic?
A: Honestly, I'm not sure if anyone is jealous of me, but I was told that once by a friend of mine. And a jealous person would want to see me fall, and everytime a jealous person sees me fall, I feel pathetic. I guess so, anyway, I usually feel glorious.
Pathetic also in the sense, though, that I'm always going broke and having to rebound, and I wonder, what is the point? But I only wonder as a result when I'm sitting and thinking, not when I'm in the midst of it all, doing something.
I've also wondered if maybe I'm just a lunatic who has to do stuff like this in order to keep from going insane. That might seem closest to the truth.
Anyone will go crazy when they can't do what they love. No one may realize they're crazy or it might be a very calm crazy, but crazy, nonetheless.
I've also thought it very pathetic when bands can't stay together, and people.
There are so many bands that have had different members come and go through, but my favorite ones have always been the ones that kept the original members.
But then I've lately realized that there are some of my favorites that have had many member changes, but I never wanted to do that, nonetheless. But it's either do that or quit or wait God knows how long. I just appreciate it when a band stays together with the same members.
I've had to joke lately about how the Gardes are already going to be like one of those old bands that people see 40 years later, with one or none original members.
I don't know what I really think about those bands. For one, it obviously kind of sucks that none of the original members are there, so it seems kind of fake, on the other hand, it's kind of good that they're keeping the memory alive, and it doesn't hurt anything.
People can only partially choose what they'll become. I don't know what I or anybody else will become.
Q: You suggested earlier that you may have to be frustrated, puzzled or disturbed in order to conduct a self-interview. If this is the case, what is it you are frustrated, puzzled or disturbed about?
A: Let's just say frustrated and disturbed are basically the same thing. Maybe a little different, but becoming too analytical gives everyone headaches. One thing that frustrates me is when people don't reply to each other. That upsets a natural balance, as far as I'm concerned. I know I've been guilty of that before, too, but it still frustrates me.
Another thing is how much mass produced stuff out there that is total crap and how wasteful some people are, which are very common frustrations.
Another thing is how many independent bands, movies, books and more out there that are completely taken for granted. It's just so common nowadays for a band to have a CD, that many people are blind to the magic of what it really is.
Bands with websites and self-produced albums are a dime a dozen, and a lot of them suck.
The ultra successful bands seem oftentimes lacking in something, and it can be hard to tell what it is.
War and the economy and meatheads in general are daily annoyances, and if somehow it's my fault, then somebody shoot me.
Almost everybody sucks at making money nowadays because everybody with money is scared of spending money, afraid that they might lose it. I've developed a kind of hatred for money in the past few years. When I get it, I spend it all pretty fast. My bank account is often bust. That's not greed, that's sharing.
I've offered so many of my services for free, and later on I have a cop arrest me for not coming to a complete stop. They make me stay the night in jail because the alcohol limit in their state is ridiculously low, and then I'm supposed to pay their fine with their illusion someone called money. And of course I'm guilty, but I'm also guilty of thinking the law was invented by a paranoid public and that it's too strict. Especially when I hear of Germany where there is no speed limit on the Autobahn.
People are way too scared, and it makes them act like a bunch of idiotic assholes, in my opinion. Who else would be running around with guns looking for terror around every corner? I'll remind you again, all I did was not come to a complete stop, and I was pulled over by a bored policeman.
Concerning the police force, I feel like they perpetuate crime and violence by their very nature. So I'd advise any cop out there to quit his job and get a new one, and if he wants to pull off any real, heroic deed he can do it out of the goodness of his heart instead of for a lousy paycheck.
Do this, imaginary policeman-in-training: Assume there won't be any crime, at least not enough for you to work full-time, which I would say is ideal. Now, go wash dishes.
Of course, there's some cops who have done good things, I'll give them that.
Sure, there's a lot of deaths out there because there's a lot of shitty drivers, so everybody be very careful and don't drive drunk.
Q: I take it you are very annoyed with a lot of things. What is it about money that peeves you so much?
A: The fact that it's almost like a crime to be too poor. You have to pay more the less you have. Of course, I won't say that I'm frustrated with money as much when I have some, but I'm not much about it. It doesn't work, in my opinion. I'm not sure what does, but the system doesn't seem to work, any way that I can look at it. That's my inherent problem. But I don't want to mope about it. I'll do what I can or shut up.
Q: What is it you are going to do?
A: All I know is I'm going to call everyone on their bullshit, or that seems to be my pattern, and that's why my life isn't always easy. Anyone's welcome to call me on mine and I'll talk to them about it, because I know no one's perfect. I don't want to be so serious all of the time, and I'm usually not. I don't want to say anything bad to anyone.
I have a few things I'd like to say. I don't believe that any one person is really sitting at the top trying to turn everyone against each other, maybe because I'm too naive. I believe what Anne Frank believed about people basically being good at heart. And that the 'road to hell is paved with good intentions.'
Q: Is there anything at this point that you would like to add?
A: Sure. Even though I said I hate money, I wouldn't mind becoming a billionaire as soon as next week.
I feel like complete stardom could possibly more often than not have its complete annoyances and unpleasant intrusions, but I would probably like to play Saturday Night Live in the future, if ever the opportunity arose, if that doesn't sound like a little girl wishing for a pony.
I find it completely annoying and reflective of the ignorance of the world how a certain newspaper would never give me a job as a writer, but when one of their writer's interviewed me, they put a pretty big picture of me in there in the Entertainment section and they got my first name wrong, what's more is it happened to be my dad's name. That was impossible not to laugh at, but it still irritated me when I thought about it because there was so much wrong in the article and there were so many typos and other misspelled names, i.e. George Clinton's P-Funk was spelled 'P-Funch.' What kind of journalistic genius invents such a clever way to spell 'Funk.' Not like that's a big deal, I don't care how anyone spells 'funk,' but then she goes off and wins the 'best writer of the year' award. Figures. Good for her.
Also, when I went to Kansas City, it was just by myself, but there was an ad in the Pitch Weekly that said, "The Guards." So it was just as well that we didn't play.
I could go on and on, but I think I might save my breath here.
Q: So what lies in store for the Gardes?
A: I'm not sure what lies in store. I try not to care too much. It's not completely up to me to say, because I'm just a piece of the pie, in all actuality.
Q: Why have the members come and gone so much?
A: I can only guess. I find it strange for me to write about the Gardes or for anyone else to or to see the name around places or to hear people talking about them because I'm always in the same boat they are, practically. I feel like people might say, What the hell are they doing? Who the hell are they? What have they done? What are they going to do next? Those are the same questions we're always asking. Come to think of it, the members haven't really changed too much, there's always been a pretty steady core amongst changing names and different projects, and I hate saying the word 'projects.'
It could be argued that we've accomplished a lot provided how unstable we've been.
Q: What has made the band so unstable?
A: The closest answer to that I believe is just real, old-fashioned rootlessness. Almost every person involved, if not all of them, have come from Ponca City, and we all just felt a desire to leave and it turned some of us into ramblers of sorts, hard to maintain a steady homebase.
Q: What about this movie people are asking about?
A: I'm not going to talk about it anymore. The other day David and I decided that it was done, that it's so fucking abstract that you can't see it, and that the soundtrack is so quiet you can't hear it.
Q: What would you like to see happen?
A: There are plenty more songs that I would like to play, record and perform, some of which I feel are better than anything anybody has ever heard from me. And the others have a lot of ideas, too. So I'd like to stay in a group in some form or another, and see what happens.
I have the tendency to want to wander off somewhere on my own out to the coast, but if that happens, then I'd like for the group and others to come out there, too.
So, I'd like to see what happens. I'm always searching for something good to read, and when I look everywhere and still can't find it, I feel I have to write something down. Not to say there isn't a lot of good stuff to read, sometimes I'm just particular for something I'm not sure which it is.
Also, I'm always stressing myself out trying to decide when it's called for to change the name of a band. Everyone tells me to keep it the Gardes, and I'm tempted to drop it sometimes, but I don't really feel like it anytime soon.
I just want to stay free as much as possible.
It's funny when you write and you write not knowing what will come next, but somehow you can always feel the ending.
END INTERVIEW